My name is Alastair.  41 years old and looking at life and asking some big questions.  My life is not as I would like it; really far from where I would like to be.

I’m sad inside.  I am so much bigger and better than my current situation is showing. And that gnawing feeling that things are not right, just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Recently I have hurt my back, for the first time in my life.  Just as I was getting over this a nice bout of gastroenteritis kicked me down for another week.  My relationship has been going through turmoil.  My motivation has been rock bottom.  Jealousies and wanting what other people have got have grown.  My body is out of shape.

Things have gotten so bad that just the effort of getting up in the morning have been hard work.  Flossing my teeth has been a thing that I have to really motivate myself to do, despite knowing that it is so, so important.

I have felt just like the title of this blog post.

But I’m here now to change things.  Now.

This blog is my way of becoming accountable, seeing my progress and hopefully building a community of friends who will help me and each other.

Today I got up, showered and began some work by 8.30.  It is a very small step, but I hope (and need) it to be the beginning of something very, very big.